Carl: Shut up John, just cos (mutters something inaudible to tape) Have you seen the carpet burn on my knee? Where did I get it from?
John: Gary (repeats Gary many times whilst Carl brandishes his knee at Pippa)
Carl: Gary? Was it?
John: I thought you had a fight with him?
Carl: I can’t remember! I was too drunk..
The Libertines – Permanently in NME and becoming one of the hottest gig tickets in London since the Strokes. Currently touring to promote new single Up the Bracket, Pippa caught up with Carl, Peter and John at their recent gig in Oxford to discuss touring, Cilla Black and the most fantastical stories/fabrications ever heard by Flashers Inc.
How did you all meet?
Peter: It was a long time ago to be honest. There are some subjects which you don’t like to talk about because it brings back bad memories, and meeting Carlos is one of these. I met John on my doorstep with his cat.
John: I was stroking my pussy yeah.
Peter: And he came to the door, introduced himself. I started playing him some of my songs, and his friend heard outside and thought it was the radio. Which was quite nice. And err yeah. We went on a few dates, got to know each other – fairytale romance really.
Pippa: Aww how lovely.
Peter: But you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, do you!
How’s the tour going?
Carl: It’s rolling!
What’s the hardest thing about being on tour?
Peter: You get a little bit of agro really, like last night in Cardiff, this fella just kept coming up to me and saying ‘Your band’s really shit’ and ‘You’re a cunt’ for about half an hour, and in the end I decked him, and i ended up getting thrown out of the club!
Carlos: (speaking insanely quickly) Yeah and I said ‘What’s this bollocks about…’, ‘What’s this bollocks about?’ and the bouncer said, ‘Is this your friend?’ and I said ‘Yeah he’s a good mate’ and then he goes (puts on welsh accent) ‘Get the fuck away from me!’
John: Yeah that’s probably the hardest thing, to keep yourself together, get on with it..
Peter: (puts on another welsh accent) Whose coat’s that jacket? Whose coat’s that jacket? Whose shoes are those trainers?
What’s the funniest thing that has happened to you on tour?
Peter: Hearing a welsh person go: ‘Whose coat’s that jacket?’
Pippa: Is it really?
Peter: It is quite funny!
Carlos: You’re going to take all the good bits out and make us sound like idiots aren’t you!
Who’s the most untidiest member of the band?
John: Hands down Pete, blatant.
What about the vainest?
John: Hands down Carl, look at him he loves himself!
Carl: Shut up John, just cos (mutters something inaudible to tape) Have you seen the carpet burn on my knee? Where did I get it from?
John: Gary (repeats Gary many times whilst Carl brandishes his knee at Pippa)
Carl: Gary? Was it?
John: I thought you had a fight with him?
Carl: I can’t remember! I was too drunk..
Do you have nicknames for each other?
All speak at once: Pigman, Boggle, Biggles, Mr Spangles, Spaniel….
They launch into strong cockney accents shouting about meat and suchlike (mental note: do not rely on a dictaphone when interviewing the Libertines ever ever again.)
Have you heard of Joan of Ass?
Carl: Yeah we’ve met them!
Pippa: (excited) Ohhh have you really!?
Carl and Peter: Yeah we’ve seen them loads of times! They do the tit flap on stage! I have a poster of them!
Parva are the best new band in Britain. Discuss.
Carl: Disgust?
Pippa: DISCUSS!
Carl: Ohh I thought you said disgust.
Peter: I’ve never heard of them.
Pippa: Yes you have!
Carl: That’s cos you weren’t in Scarborough when we met them. We played with them at the Leeds Cockpit, the singer’s got that side hair.
Peter: Ohhh yeah.
Pippa: Be nice about them cos they were very nice about you!
Carl: Yeah they’re lovely lads!
Peter: One of them has shagged the woman from the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s.
Pippa: Which one? Must have been Ricky..
Peter: Must have been Ricky yeah. He kept going ‘Karen Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh’
Carl: I got absolutely hammered in Leeds with the singer. It was all going really well, we were at the bar and he said he could get all of these free drinks, and we got these whiskeys and kept knocking them back and I went to the toilet and came back, and he had his hand on some bloke’s arse. That was the last I’ve seen of him.
(In the background Peter is still saying Karen Oooooooooooooooooooooo orgasmically and repeatedly)
What’s the best joke in your joke repertoire?
Peter: Do you know the one about the evangelical preachers?
Carl: Ohhh no, that will take an hour that joke, she hasn’t got enough tape for that. What about little jokes you’ve got?
Peter: Ok what was the name of the first German chancellor? Otto Von…
Pippa: Bismarck
(Peter and Carl start shouting loudly and scarily in German voices
Peter: No seriously, what was it? Bis…
Pippa: I do German! (trying to avoid saying it again!)
Peter: What is it? Bis?
Carl: No seriously, he was the first German chancellor, Bismar…Bismar…
Pippa: (quietly) Bismarck…
(Peter and Carl start shouting loudly and scarily in German voices *again*
Pippa: (whimpers audibly in fear)
John: BISMARCK! BISMARCK!
(Peter and Carl start shouting loudly and scarily in German voices *again*)
(Note from Flashers Inc – if anyone could please explain this to us I’d be grateful!)
If you were on blind date, what questions would you ask?
Carl: What the fuck am I doing here!?
Peter: I’d say, Cilla, do you remember you babysat for my mum once in Liverpool in the 50’s. She was only four.
Pippa: Awwww.
Peter: She was still young! So I’m related to Cilla Black. She married my Auntie Rose’s cousin. He was a taxi driver and then he married Cilla Black, and they emigrated to London. And then he died.
As a child what name did you want instead of your own?
Peter: For some reason it was Steve!
John: I always wanted Lou, I thought that was well good!
Carl: I wanted to be called Belvedere!
(crazy laughter from group)
If you had a film made about your life, which actor would play you?
Carlos: Chesney Hawkes would play me.
Peter: That little kid in..what’s that film with the ballet dancer in?
Pippa: (giggling) Billy Elliot
Peter: Yeah, that’s it, the kid’s little mate who wears make-up.
Pippa: Awww!
Carl: He looks like you!
Peter: Yeah he does look like me!
John: He’s a good looking kid tho. Some B-List celebrity would play me, probably Barrymore or someone, that would be great.
Pippa: Interesting film!
Carlos: (laughing lots) That would be a great film!
(sings) Do you remember 19899999??
If you were on Mastermind what would your specialist subject be?
Carlos: Masturbation
Peter: Queens Park Rangers programmes, i used to collect them, about 1985 to 1993
John: Beatles
(They start firing questions at him and then sing Beatles songs, all at the same time thus impossible to transcribe. Memories of Parva!)
Do you do any impressions? And will you do one for us!
(Immediately they all start doing impressions for the dictaphone and laughing insanely.)
Peter: Actually I can do one but you’ll have to be really quiet or you won’t get it. It’s an African bull frog..
(makes a sound so froglike it is disturbing. Followed by much laughter.)
Peter: I can also do an impression of Salt n. Pepper: ‘It’s your thang…(carries on)
Carl: Yeah but that’s not actually that good is it?
Peter: ‘It’s Friday night and I just got (rest of line is obscured by much laughter)
John: You can do a really bad Mick Jones!
Carl: Do your guy in the guitar shop in London, selling the American guitars.
John: No man, no way (puts on very deep and hoarse American voice) Game over man!
Peter: You can do cannon fodder, worzel gummidge! Do your General Belvedere!
Two Libertines: CANNON FODDER!
Carl: Do you do any impressions?
Pippa: Only of Biffy Clyro, sorry!
Peter: Can you do an impression of a Flasher?
Carl: Yeah are you gonna flash for us?
Pippa: I don’t know! I’m solo you see, that makes it harder!
Carl: Where’s your friend?
Pippa: She’s at Bangor University.
(Hysterical cackling laughter erupts amongst many shouts of BANGOR!)
Peter: That’s just ridiculous!
Carl: That’s got to go in the Book of Albion! Where’s the Book of Albion?
Pippa: The what?
Peter: Bring forth the Book of Albion!
Carl: It’s funny, it’s a book of tour memoirs, so you’re quite priviledged!
Peter: (Mimicking the conversation) Where’s your mate? BANGOR!!! (more laughter)
What’s the most rock and roll thing you’ve ever done?
Peter: Nothing, it’s all a myth!
Pippa: Ohh come on!
Peter: Well we started a group which turned out to be the best band in the world at the time.
Right who was your most embarrassing childhood crush of the celebrity form?
Carl: Oh there was this magazine, called, no I can’t remember what its called, i was only about 10. And when I used to go shopping I used to stare up at the top rack at this woman on the cover. And the woman in the shop used to always look at me and go ‘Dear oh dear you shouldn’t be looking at that, should you!’
John: I had a crush on the narrator of Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat at the theatre. She used to wear this sparkly minidress and I was infatuated with her.
Peter: How many times did you see her?
John: I only saw it once!
Peter: Actually I had a crush on one of my teachers at school. I was about 8 and she took advantage of it actually. It’s a bit dark really. She stole my innocence. She taught me to read and write, amongst other things! In fact that’s probably the most rock and roll thing I’ve ever done, snogging my science teacher when I was eight!
What about the most embarrassing gig you’ve ever been to?
Peter: Never really been to anything embarrassing.
Pippa: Ohh come on, you must have. Mine was Jason Donovan.
Carl: I know – Appleton! I didn’t go to see their gig, I went to see Supergrass!
Peter: What was that band called who played with The Strokes? You know.. Stereo..
John: Stereo Totale
Carl: They were comedy though!
Do you know the words to the John Barnes rap?
John: Yeahhhh!
John and Peter: My name is John Barnes I come from Jamaica, whenever they see me the crowd go bananas!
Pippa: Nooooo wrong one! I meant the World in Motion one!
Peter: Catch me if you can I’m a matchstick man, You’ve got to get to the line and… No.
What pants are you wearing?
John: Essentials
Carl: Calvin Klein sport!
Peter: I’m not wearing any!
Say something controversial!
(Carl starts jumping up and down on the settee randomly and tells a bizarre anecdote about the Queen which they then deem to be not controversial)
Peter: I don’t really find anything controversial!
Pippa: Well that’s quite controversial!
Peter: Yeah! I mean you look in the paper and you see the bodies of mutilated people, and that’s controversy. Controversy isn’t saying something like ‘Oh I’ve fucked Noel Gallagher’ or something. Which I have.
(much laughter)
What’s the best question you’ve ever been asked in an interview?
Peter: Will you marry me!
Pippa: Awww have you? What did you say?
Peter: I said yes! It was on Spanish MTV Europe, it’s true! I said something about flowers. Ohh yeah, she said, ‘Would you marry me?’ and not ‘Will you’ and I thought that was a good question. But it was the way she said it, Would you! So I’ve been saying that to loads of people, it’s a really good line actually. You say to someone ‘Would you marry me?’ and if they’re switched on then you see their smile and say ‘yeah’! Or they say, ‘I don’t fancy you now go away you stupid cunt..’
Carl: Is that it then? Is there nothing else?
Pippa: Nope!
Carl: Well thanks for the interview, it was really interesting. Made a nice change from all the others!
(Random conversation follows about Oscar Wilde, Magdalen College, Flashing, German, Parva and promises to get on stage and flash that night.)